Failing at Motherhood

Your value may be tied up in the wrong thing

It was winter. Mid-February. Snow had piled up against every home in our little town. The narrow paths on the sidewalks were slippery, and it was difficult to navigate them without brushing my pants against the dirty drifts on either side. It was impossible to push a baby carriage in such conditions, so one hand was occupied carrying the infant wrapped in a great bundle, while the other held onto my toddler. I was walking to the library story hour simply as an escape from my crowded apartment. As I trudged along, tears burned at the back of my eyes. “How am I late again? I feel like such a failure,” I said to myself. “Why can’t I keep up with life? Everything is always a mess, dishes are never done. I have no idea what to feed the kids every day, and I’m exhausted, yet I can’t sleep at night. I’ll be mortified if anyone ever knocks on the door, there is a mysterious smell upstairs, and my stomach hurts all the time. As a stay-at-home mom, shouldn’t I be better at this? I’m living my dream, so why am I not happy? Is this all there is?”

I desperately wanted to be a good mom and wife. In my head, I pictured being a fun mom who smiled at the kids and played with them. I wanted them to be well-behaved and I wanted a tidy home. But I didn’t have those things, and I didn’t trust in my own abilities to get to that place. I wasn’t even sure that I could count on myself in making a judgement about what I wanted.

I kept second-guessing myself. I asked all kinds of questions of myself but was never able to answer or prioritize: Should I let my kid act that way or restrain him? Should I spend the next 30 minutes of my time doing laundry or working out? Do I stay longer at the park because I’m having a much-needed adult conversation with a mom-friend, or do I go home right when I said I would because the little one needs her nap? The confusion over these questions felt so necessary. Instead of making a decision, I was frozen and did nothing. So neither my laundry nor a workout got done. I was afraid I’d choose the wrong one so I didn’t choose at all. The real needs of the children ended up getting ignored. I had become so accustomed to feeling doubtful that I didn't notice there was another option.

Now, when I showed up at library story hour, or church, or other gatherings, I looked like I had it all together. I pretended quite well. I did my hair and makeup, the kids were dressed in their most darling outfits, and I pasted a smile on my face. Yet, inside I was miserable. I was very confused about who I was trying to please. I couldn’t stand the thought of someone coming over and seeing how I really lived. I refused to let down my guard and ask for help because I was afraid of criticism. Living in a frazzled state can make us look good on the outside but miserable on the inside. I was in a never ending loop of trying to prove myself in order to feel good about myself.

I didn’t know it at the time but the big problem was that I had tied up all of my worth into being a mom. I thought if I didn’t do it right, what was the point? It seemed to me that if I messed up at this motherhood thing, then I failed as a human being. I kept waiting for somebody to come along and give me permission to make decisions or just tell me how to do it and what decisions to make. I had no confidence that I could actually be what I desired.

But who would have told me I chose incorrectly? No one! Only myself. I’m the one who gets to choose and has to live with the consequences of my decision. I decide the thoughts I’m going to have about the decisions I make. There was literally no one standing over me saying, “Ah, you let the laundry sit again. You are such a loser!” Even my husband didn’t care. I was saying those things to myself! I had a false fear of someone outside of me criticizing my decisions about how to run my home and my life. As a result, I was a fake.

I also didn’t believe there was enough time in the day to do both the laundry and a workout. Who was controlling my time? The kids? Imaginary people? It was all up to me. I thought that if my house was tidy, I’d be happy. If my kids were more well-behaved, I’d enjoy my life more. We all know that isn’t true because as soon as you reach that goal, a new one pops up. We never really arrive.

Living in this place of lack, and thinking, “I’m not good enough and I don’t have what it takes,” led to a constant need to prove myself. Judging there was something wrong in how I was mothering made me try to prove my worth, and it became a moral issue. My speculation was there is something wrong with me if I don’t do this perfectly. I was looking everywhere for validation, except to the Lord. This translated into anxiety, exhaustion, people-pleasing, self-doubt, and overwhelm. I bent over backwards to make my kids happy. I wasn’t setting appropriate boundaries which led to feeling like I was being taken advantage of. I saw my kids’ behavior as a reflection of my worth as a person and it made life day-to-day very unpleasant.

One night, I finally picked up my Bible and this passage seemed to jump off the page. It’s from 1 John 4:13-18 and it says, “This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

I knew that God lived in me, and since childhood, I had known that He loved me. These words brought the realization that God wasn’t going to punish me if I messed up. I was being made perfect because He loves me. I could rely on His love and not be afraid. I could release all the fear of not being a good enough mother because He made me a promise - to give me the Holy Spirit.

The Spirit teaches me and gives me wisdom. He guides me, comforts me, and helps me in my weaknesses. Living in His love means living free and fearless, with boldness, assurance, and cheerful courage. It means my life can be lived without having to conceal anything. I don’t need to compare my way of mothering or my personality to anyone else’s, and I certainly don’t need to live in ambiguity. I can make decisions, even if they fail, and I will still be loved by God.

Once I realized I was still loved and valuable whether I fail at this motherhood thing or not, I woke up! If I let the laundry sit and I put on some extra weight, God isn’t angry about it nor will He punish me for it. His wrath was poured out on Jesus so that His love could be poured out on me. I’m free to live and move and have my being. Of course we can reach out to Him for wisdom for how to make a change in life, but He’s not offended by us.

The level of disarray in my home was not a reflection of my worth. My children’s behavior was not the determining factor in my value. With this newfound belief, I began to be lifted out of exhaustion and overwhelm. I stopped living in constant fear of someone attacking me. The constant looping of indecision departed.

God had given me the desire to be a mom and to be a great one. When He gives us a worthy desire, He always gives us the ability to accomplish it. God was saying, “Look, this task of raising these particular kids is important and you’re the one to do it.” This motherhood work is good, and if it’s good, it’s from God. Deciding how to overcome these obstacles is necessary, and God is the One who gives me the confidence to be able to overcome obstacles to the best of my ability. The truth is, I didn’t need anyone to deem me worthy as a mother except God.

There is hope. Your appearance, your kids, the number of people who like your posts - this value is not your moral value. The fact is you have inherent value and worth simply because you exist. You don’t ever need to do anything to prove your self-worth to the Lord. There is nothing you can do to lessen your value and self-worth. Maybe you didn’t do a good job homeschooling your kids this year. Perhaps you are grumpy with your husband...you are still 100% valuable and worthy just because you exist. Your value is not what you have or do or how your kids behave. When you believe you are of lesser value because of your lack of accomplishments, or something in your past, or because you haven’t proved yourself enough today, you will always feel awful, unhappy, unfulfilled, and struggling. If you don’t choose to believe this at some point in your life, you’ll never get off the draining merry-go-round of doubt.

Even when you make a mistake, you can still move forward. You don’t need to beat yourself up because God isn’t beating you up. He is loving you faithfully, tenderly. Go to God's word and find out for yourself how valuable you are to Him.